Short Stories From 10 Years Ago – January 31, 2004
Letting Go
Short Stories From 10 Years Ago – January 31, 2004 – I have an internal voice (we all have one) and about 10 years ago I started to refer to her as – Blabber – because she would not shut up! Sound familiar?
Over the years I’ve recognized her chatter – sometimes subtle and sometimes filled with the anticipation of doom, gloom, lack, dreadful possibilities and disgrace. When I think about her this way, I really feel sorry for her. Even when I’m out having a good time, Blabber is holed up inside me – predicting and fretting.
Now I can understand this on a typical Canadian winter day, but what about a glorious summer afternoon ( I’m sure Blabber doesn’t own a bikini – she would be too worried about cellulite) and on a glorious October day – she would never kick leaves along the sidewalk.
This year, being one of decisive change for me, I’ve decided to stop picking on Blabber and instead try to make friends with her. What a great idea! As young children we receive messages from parents, teachers, siblings and friends and so many of them tend to frighten or demean us, or make us feel that we are so much less than we should be.
By the time we’re adults, the tapes running in our heads have become hard core beliefs. I’m not a psychologist so I have no intention of offering any deep psychological analysis of human thought, but I know how my inner voice has affected my life.
This voice is the first to warn me that things will not go well today, I won’t be successful in a new venture, I’m tired, I can’t be bothered learning something new, I probably won’t have a good time at a party so why bother accepting the invitation. It can also forewarn me of possible financial woes, health worries and any number of other calamities that might befall me.
It’s really a wonder I reached adulthood. I’m sure Blabber means well, but it’s time to challenge these unsubstantiated beliefs. I’m really conscious of this niggling little voice now and I tend to listen to what she has to say and then carry on regardless.
When I wake up, it’s Blabber who says, “It’s morning and I don’t want to get up. I didn’t sleep well last night and I’m tired”. This morning I simply said , “Then after the busy day you have today, sleep will come easily tonight”. I find if I acknowledge Blabber and accept that she has a an opinion (valid or not) she tends to quiet down fairly quickly.
I’m learning to laugh at all my idiosyncrasies. I tend to take life far too seriously and I’m working on a lighter approach to the everyday process of living. Maybe it’s a good thing that I have Blabber to keep me on my toes. She warms me of possible consequences and I get to think about it and accept or discard her advice. Just think – I don’t have to call, page, e-mail or write to her – I simply listen for her thoughts and she never disappoints.
Come to think of it, I would probably miss Blabber if she ceased to play a role in my life. I’m no longer laid low by her incessant chatter. I’m better at moving on in spite of it. I’m amazed at is how hard it’s been over the years to come to terms with this inner pixie. “Letting go” is a marvellous step forward in the process of personal growth and I’m thrilled to be making new choices this year.
Changes are already happening in my life. Last year I would never have written these 31 daily entries. Blabber would have convinced me that I had nothing of value to say. Today – things are different. Blabber be damned – what a gift.